This space is full of random and inconsistency and that’s okay. I mean, sure ideally I would have kept up with my eating with friends because I love doing that and it is still a huge part of my life. And yeah, I wish I had been taking more pictures to keep up with my days. But right now I need to write because I need to heal. And I’m not going to take the time to explain it right now, but I can only describe my mind as sick right now and I now that writing will heal it. This space is now for me. It’s going to be public because I have no idea who will read this who it might help or because someone may read it that can help me. Pardon the jump into the middle of a story, but I have a feeling that in 100 days, the story will be more developed and will catch up to where I am starting.
This summer has been hard in ways I didn’t expect. I thought I’d have a lot of free time, which I do. I thought I’d work out a lot, which I’m not. I thought I would get to explore, which I do but by myself. I thought I’d love my work, which I do but the days get long.
I also thought I had ‘fixed’ myself this school year, which I didn’t. I thought I was strong enough to be okay, I’m not. I thought I wouldn’t have to work hard at being better, I do.
Today I feel lonely. I feel that there is no one here for me. That I have to deal with this, whatever this is, alone. That I have to be strong for myself, that I have to fix myself, that I am not my best version of myself but need to get closer to whoever that is before I invite other people in.
Today I feel disappointment. Again, I told myself that today would be different. That I would be strong today, make better choices today, figure it out today. And I didn’t. I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself, that I didn’t set myself up for success, wasn’t strong enough, didn’t say n=o when I needed to.
That lead to today feeling like a failure. In absolute terms, I didn’t do meet expectations; therefore, it was a failure. I want to beat myself up for that but I’m not sure how to figure it out. How to not feel like a failure anymore.
I wanted to not be here today. In my head, being somewhere else would fix my mind and body. Somewhere else would bring healing and peace. Somewhere else would erase what’s happening or at least change the trajectory. When I look back on that I know it’s not true because home was so hard. And if home was hard and here is hard, then there is something else going on.
There is a bit of broken crazy in my head, as Annie Downs in Looking for Lovely, says. This writing project is me admitting that and being okay with that. Saying, yep, I’m not my best version of myself, but that I’m going to put in the effort to find who ever that best version is. That I am not a quitter. I can persevere. I can find her.