#elises100daysoffeelings Day 2

Today I felt overcome. I feel so badly gone a path I didn’t mean to choose, wandering around somehow getting more lost in the side paths when all I want to do is escape.  The morning felt clear, like there was a plan and a purpose and I was going to finally get things right.  I was going to choose the right path, which meant no sweets, listening to hunger/fullness cues, balance, all those good things.  But then I fell off at breakfast, I ate much past the fullness stage.  And in my head, the day was gone from there.

Right now, a lot of my feelings come from action: what I do or don’t do.  I know that’s a sign of me not being my healthiest self.  I know that’s when it’s getting bad.  And my feelings of being overcome stem from that because I am living out of black and white either success or failure mindset that is totally based on one set of actions and that day after day after day they have been a failure.  And when I type that out, then yes, it makes sense that I feel overcome.  And if I want to create meaning for my life in that one narrow definition, then yes, I have been overcome.  But two important comments on that: one, I was overcome but the past does not need to have any impact on my future; two, I would never value anyone else on that system of worth, so why would I do that for myself?

Today I also cried and I’m so thankful for that.  That if anything else, this little writing project is bringing back my feelings.  That I have created time and space for something that really is important to me.  That I have taken a serious step towards cultivating healing.  The tears came from a place of stuck and alone-ness.  They came from desperation.  But they also came from being stuffed.  From being stifled for too long and needing to feel real emotion.

I feel proud of those tears, proud that I showed up here today, proud for making a hard text today, proud that I looked for good moments and found them.

 

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