Today I felt overcome. I feel so badly gone a path I didn’t mean to choose, wandering around somehow getting more lost in the side paths when all I want to do is escape. The morning felt clear, like there was a plan and a purpose and I was going to finally get things right. I was going to choose the right path, which meant no sweets, listening to hunger/fullness cues, balance, all those good things. But then I fell off at breakfast, I ate much past the fullness stage. And in my head, the day was gone from there.
Right now, a lot of my feelings come from action: what I do or don’t do. I know that’s a sign of me not being my healthiest self. I know that’s when it’s getting bad. And my feelings of being overcome stem from that because I am living out of black and white either success or failure mindset that is totally based on one set of actions and that day after day after day they have been a failure. And when I type that out, then yes, it makes sense that I feel overcome. And if I want to create meaning for my life in that one narrow definition, then yes, I have been overcome. But two important comments on that: one, I was overcome but the past does not need to have any impact on my future; two, I would never value anyone else on that system of worth, so why would I do that for myself?
Today I also cried and I’m so thankful for that. That if anything else, this little writing project is bringing back my feelings. That I have created time and space for something that really is important to me. That I have taken a serious step towards cultivating healing. The tears came from a place of stuck and alone-ness. They came from desperation. But they also came from being stuffed. From being stifled for too long and needing to feel real emotion.
I feel proud of those tears, proud that I showed up here today, proud for making a hard text today, proud that I looked for good moments and found them.