Today I felt weighed down. Mostly emotionally. I teared up a couple of times feeling big feelings, mostly of confusion of how I got to this place again, fear of how I might continue to spiral, longing to be out of the tunnel. But the weighty ness was because of just all the feelings I’ve been feeling: the thoughts I’ve been putting into everyday living and trying to understand where and how my mind and body are intersecting and if how they’re intersecting is in a good way and what are my senses telling me which caused me to realize I am/was receiving too. much. information. all. the. time. And it all felt like a lot.
But I didn’t react and eat. In fact, I ate honestly so little today which goes to show that I had such a full stomach all the time. I didn’t even physically feel hunger pangs today. But, that’s not the point. The point is that this is a lot of work. I get nervous about preparing myself to do this everyday. Nervous I’m going to fail again and that one step of failure will create an avalanche. And when I allow myself to think down the road in these big ambiguous terms, then it makes sense that the fear comes. But as the advice of many professionals and books say, stay in the moment. Don’t let yourself be swept away by what’s not here, because there is zero guarantee those fears will happen and if I dwell on them, I’m only going to be more likely to wish them into existence because I’m thinking about them all the time.
In the midst of the feeling broken, I am trying to fill my mind with truth. To let myself get quiet and the Lord to get loud. To be rooted in truth. And being rooted in that truth is hard business because a big part of that truth is grace. And grace is like love and hope and peace and these good feelings that my mind doesn’t think I deserve right now. That I must wait to prove I can handle those good feelings without going overboard. When I think that way, love is swept away by fear and punishment, because perfect love has no fear. And that big thought has been heavy on me. That there is this balance of health and self-control and lordship, but that none of it is created out of fear or losing, or anything negative. These things are a stem from the Lord’s love of me.
When I stop seeing my value and worth from things I create, work I do, accomplishments, successes, fears, failures, and all these other things that only pass away, then that grace will be such good news forever. It will not bring up fears of inadequacy or what-if’s about the future. Because there is no room for those things when love reigns.
That’s some preaching to my own heart, things that as I ramble type out words are easy to think, but truths that have such a hard time getting planted into my heart.
So that’s my goal: to keep leaning into the truth, to go to bed tired because I fought a good, spiritual battle, and to the Lord be loud in my life.
I feel confident in that. That when I take the pressure off of me, that the Lord’s way will prosper and that when I have an open hand towards His plan, I will delight in his ways.