Today started off with a bike adventure where long story short my bike had gotten stolen but I found it locked to a tree but had to prove it was mine before the police would cut the lock. Which is totally valid, but still resulted in a long, long, as in 6 hours long process of standing outside by this gosh dang bike. In those moments, I felt helpless. Like I knew that bike was mine but had nothing to do that could do the actual bringing back to me. I could look at it and touch it, I could show a receipt for it, but I couldn’t get them to give it to me. I’ll spare you the spiritual analogy that is so clearly there, but it was good for my soul.
I don’t have a specific feeling for this per-say, but in my deeper moments of thinking, I have realized I don’t have people that I am able to love well this summer and that I think that has been hard. The void of people I care so much for and want to do things for has affected me in a deep, real way. And that has been a powerful realization. I am my best self when I am investing in someone or something that is bigger than myself. I didn’t honestly know I was that selfless. Even though that’s not really me speaking, but the truth of how the Creator wired all of us. My soul, even in its fast, hurried state, craves connection and meaning that is found when lives weave together and are lived out together. I am challenging myself to care deep for something or someone in my last 10 days here.
Today I felt relieve. I finished listening to Looking for Lovely on audiobook and first of all, I needed that message right now. Second, there was a part were Annie writes about not being finished and always having something broken and that’s okay. That’s were shalom peace comes. When I recognize and acknowledge and embrace that I’m never all the way ‘there’, whatever ‘there’ is. That I could spend all my days scrutinizing my actions and appearance and talents if I wanted, but that will only lead to deeper self-hate and seeking comfort in unhealthy ways. Instead, I can embrace and proclaim my brokeness, I don’t have to be okay with them and I can still work on them, but I can let my heart and others know that it’s still okay. That whatever is broken isn’t what makes me, me. And that I get to decide what defines me. Being reminded of that truth was so powerful. Also powerful is the reminder that I love hearing peoples stories, and some of my favorite stories are the ones were the ugly is made beautiful. And I’m living that. I am honestly in the middle of the ugly. I just had 2 beautiful days, but there were about 14 real ugly ones right before that. And in my own story, I was able to see the redemption in slow runs, obedience in the little things, a beautiful sunsets, and just crying real tears. The relieve of letting myself live a life in the moment instead of chaining myself to the past is so real. I felt a little freer today.