Today I felt numb. But not in the eating myself numb way but in the what am I doing here way. I felt I was floating through actions. Work felt meaningless. Today kind of felt purposeless. It’s days like today where there is something inside of me that is fundamentally left unfulfilled. I followed my routine in the morning, got some good work done, but then kind of fell off the bandwagon. My focus was gone, energy drained, finishing a task just got hard.
I fell off the wagon today. That’s my fancy and avoiding way of saying I binged. And I hate writing that but it’s the truth and when I way it, it’ll get easier to admit, to talk about as a part of me, but not what defines me.
It was intended, it just happened, which sounds weird but it’s how I’ll explain it. And not as an excuse but as a reason, I strongly believe it comes from that purposelessness. That because I didn’t feel passion or connection, didn’t have enriching conversation, or pressing, urgent matters, that I just went through the day I went to food to feel that sugar rush. That mentally I crave some sort of real feeling that I’d rather have an upset stomach than a numb mind and body. It’s easier to create an uncomfortable physical feeling than sit with an uncomfortable mental one. I don’t know what that says about me. I want to discover it, but also I’d be okay if someone just told me.
This is a reason I’m ready to leave DC. I don’t know where or how to plug in to get that purpose so I need to leave, to go where I can find it. To be with my people and have enriching conversations and feel that physical closeness and intimacy. To share my passions and stories. To feel connection.
I miss talking about Jesus, too. It’s this weird thing where I know I can totally talk about bring it up in conversation, but my mind is telling me they’ll shut me down, that it isn’t appropriate at work, that there would be no conversation. But isn’t that what a step of faith is? Isn’t that what I’m called to live out? What if that is my purpose for the next 10 days? What if living out the gospel in word and deed is what I am here for? What would it look like for me to do that? Do be really committed to sharing my hearts love at work?
That’s a Big Thing I could trust God only to do.
That involves trust and connection. That brings feeling of risk. That requires intimate conversation.
See, my heart knows that there is opportunity here.
So yes, I am beyond ready to go home, but I am willing to keep thinking about the fact that purpose can still be found in 10 days. I am willing to listen to my heart and Word at the idea that I have been given purpose: to love the Lord with my whole heart and to make disciples for Him. I will even wrestle with my own desire to not really want to do that. To think about why I would want to avoid the purpose I’ve been given.
It’s ironic, too, that I eat to feel when I have all the time in the world to feel. I can sit and journal as much as I want, and yet I am still choosing to run to food. Is it because it is engrained in my head that it feels good? Is it because it has become by go-to for so long? Is it because I have been refusing to bring the food into the light? To have the self-disciple to self-regulate? Tonights was one where I don’t know if it was just lack of self-control or if something more was there? If I can’t handle being around chocolate or if chocolate was what brought the comfort and connection?
This is a rambly one. Full of many questions and thoughts, things that invite me to sit with them. My nature doesn’t want to sit. It wants to rush on keep going plug on ward and up ward and employ a new fix-it trick. But, I’ve made this commitment to show up and think and feel and be with myself. To slow down and ponder. So I will show up. I will think. I will be with myself.