Today I don’t feel like liking me. at 7:34 for this morning, I am having a hard time accepting who I am, what I feel like, look like etc.
I feel an upset stomach, my gym shorts feel tight, and this makes me mad. I don’t know if I’m angry mad, more of a sad mad. The regretful kind where you want to undo what can’t be undone.
My mind is thinking how hard it’ll be to undo this – to lose the weight I’m certain I’ve gained. My mind is frustrated because I know in theory there is literally no reason I shouldn’t be able to go a week, a month, a year without binging. It’s a self-control issue, a pattern/habit issue, it’s a personal issue. It is something that is fundamentally wrong with me.
This is the point where I get stuck. First, because I know that is what I believe below the surface, but I push that feeling so down low that I can barely access it. If I don’t allow myself to feel the feeling it gets stuck there. Not a great place for negative thought to be. Second, I don’t know what to do next? Like, how do I tangibly stop thinking there is something wrong with me? Do I write what I like about myself down? I don’t want to accept me like this, I want to change me. I’ll accept the Monday and Tuesday me, but the Wednesday me needs changing. It’s not about my intrinsic goodness but it is about my intrinsic worth. But also it’s about the best versions of me. Why would I want to accept the part of me that hurts and is ugly and a little broken when I know there is a better, stronger, fuller person. Why would I want to welcome the physical and mental pain when I’ve tasted freedom. It’s about settling. Why would I be okay with a second rate version of me.
I want all of me to be the best me. I can see myself with kindness, but I can still see what needs fixing.