Today I really felt. I felt deep feelings, deep loneliness and sadness. And I let myself sit with them, to see how loneliness feels like a pit in my stomach, this void that needs to be filled. I feel it in the back of my throat, a tightening and suffocating, a physical feeling that leads to fear. Unless I focus on it, it is harder to physically feel this one, it is so loud in my mind, but doesn’t come out as much. Maybe it’s because I create some other feeling out of it? But I know it was the loneliness that made me cry today. It was a beautiful cry because it was real emotion. I was at my wits end and I was gentle and compassionate with myself. I talked myself through the story in my mind, I handed it well. I am proud of how I handled that loneliness.
The sadness feels dark. It makes me want to hide, to take quick action to avoid feeling it still. It is the sadness that makes me want to do something, the loneliness is behind unless I think about it. Food fills the dark pit that sadness creates. It is a quick fix, one that produces fake feelings, but its the cover up that makes me feel better.
But today I felt in my soul before I acted with my hands. It wasn’t actually as hard as I thought, but it hurt. I had to feel it even deeper which wasn’t fun. But, I feel stronger. I like myself a lot for being able to handle it with grace and tenderness.