Today was a weird day of feelings. The deep sadness wasn’t quite there like yesterday; although I did cry talking to my mom on the way to the gym. The tears were from anticipation. So yes, sadness because I am still here, but not out of despair. I guess it was almost like FOMO but from not being somewhere rather than missing out. The wanting to go home is such an acute longing to literally not be here anymore. It is almost frustratingly present, and I don’t know if it’s something that I need to dig deeper and understand because it is hindering me being able to fully live in the present, or if because I only have 6 more days (holla) I should just hold it. Acknowledge that I am feeling it. I could totally do the acknowledging without letting it dictate my actions. Not resist it but not dwell on it.
I saw today how hard it is for me to see the joy in being alone. I think part of what has made this summer so hard is how much I resist myself. I am afraid of where my mind will go so I try to reign it in, set parameters, control it’s thinking. But there is no reason to control and especially in boredom I will only go against the rules. So slowly, especially in the past week, I am learning to acknowledge. To tenderly understand. To slow down and acknowledge what feels hurt or broken instead of rushing to fix. To understand that I am not on a self-improvement route that will suddenly lead to an all perfected and clean version of me. That it’s about the giving up control, submission to the Lord, finding freedom in release.
I hesitate to call today a binge day. Maybe the quantity shows that it was? But it was a boredom day. It makes me sad because I started baking because plans got cancelled and it’s what I like to do, but I just don’t think I am in a safe spot to bake yet. It doesn’t feel healthy.
Today I finally was able to talk to mom about this, but it wasn’t as good as I had hoped. I needed the support of someone who was empathizing with me, who came along my side and was near and close. I got a lot of small talk and some “I remember when…” but I don’t think that is what my soul needed. I needed a support, a crutch, someone who was carrying me. But that made it click. Part of the reason that this feeling thing is so hard is because I saw modeled a fix it action. When something feels wrong, as fast as you can you do what needs to be done to make you feel better. And for me, that quickly became food. I think for a while it was exercise, but I didn’t realize that the movement was filling a hole that was supposed to be for emotion. So I kept doing it. But then I got burned out and I’m at food.
Food brings me comfort, it is a close to me and makes me feel better, it fills me up. Sweetness initially does feel like healing, it makes pain go away. But that is so temporary. And I’m learning it. Today I stopped eating a food earlier than I would have. I wasn’t so mindless. I asked if I was enjoying this and when the answer was no, I threw it away or stopped. Unfortunately, I did go on to other foods, but this is progress!
I am understanding myself, I am now acknowledging what is going on in my head at least a little bit before a full on binge. I am listening to my heart, head, and stomach.
I know it is going to be a long road, one that will probably be longer than these 100 days. One that may or may not have include any physical weight loss, but one that will free my soul. Just writing that out feels so good. A free soul. It brings me joy and peace and happiness just thinking about it. And it doesn’t feel too far away.