My computer broke so I didn’t get the chance to write tomorrow so this is counting for both days because #grace.
My mind is happy at where I am at. I don’t know if I’d say I feel happy. But I feel better. I have been intentionally surrounding myself with the things and tools and ideas that help me feel as if I am flourishing right now. Not working for the better version of me that will ‘surely’ be around tomorrow, but seeing that I am worthy right now of feeling good. Of not thinking I need work, that I must hate myself because of today’s action. I have taken away the power of the dress that feels too tight under my arm. Of the discomfort I feel when my thighs seem too big. Even writing that doesn’t elicit the disgust I used to feel. And this has been not even two weeks of committing to changing the way I think.
I feel free. I am more free to admit out loud and inside that I am broken and a work in progress and that I’m okay with that. It is beautiful to have seen the ‘bad’ mornings that haven’t bled into ‘bad’ days. About when my hand is in the crackers and I ask myself how my stomach feels. About the okay-ness I feel when I focus on my insides. That I can sit and be still and put a lot of mental energy towards a part of me that is still not my favorite and have it not elicit the horribly negative thoughts it once did.
I think a lot more about things that are not me related and I am so confident that choosing actions and patterns that are also outside of myself are a direct reflection of that. Because if I am looking at other big picture things, there is so much less room for the hyper critical thoughts that often crowd my mind.
Yesterday I did the little experiment of what would happen if I didn’t eat a sweet. And it was great. And reaffirming that I lean heavy on sweet food for comfort, mental energy, breaks, and boredom. I had a part of the day that I felt a little ill and I am convinced it was sugar withdraws. Which opened my eyes to the problem that it was and that I had been making a lot of excuses about my consumption level. Safe to say that treats were no longer treats. But it wasn’t in a judgemental way. That is what else has been great, that I can know and see those things and be kind to myself that I was doing the best I could at that time. That my heart was hurting and I was using an unhealthy method of making it feel better, but that having a happy heart was my internal priority. And now I know that and have made finding other methods a priority.
I wanted to keep that going today, but it wasn’t the hugest success. I didn’t listen to my stomach, but indulged my mind and I’m not thrilled about it, but the day isn’t over and I’m not giving up. That is where I am. Determined to keep persevering, to keep writing my story, to not letting a day define my life and to finding the light in darkness.