Today I remember and feel the purpose of this. I woke up at 5:00 am, probably out of excitement for going home, and read and prayed through the Bible. I read some of my favorite verses about freedom, the race we’re running, the purpose of life. And in that place of peace and hope, I got it.
How often to I pray for growth? Do I desire to know the gospel better, to see God work in my life? I want to be used by Him, to feel His presence, all these things… If I am asking that, aren’t I also then asking Him to move in my life, to sort through the junk, to refine my character, soul, spirit? I know I am. Yet I want to resist it in the moment. It feels to hard, it hurts, suddenly it becomes too much and I try and muster up my own strength to make it better.
The most beautiful times this summer and the times I actually felt better, were the times I let go and surrendered. At the moment I felt as if I were at the bottom and just couldn’t do anything else, which of course I couldn’t, but I didn’t get that it is through surrender that I allow God to fully work. That in the hurt, He is answering the very prayers that I prayed. That if I’m serious about Him working in my life, if I am serious about knowing Him better and being an example for Him, becoming more sanctified everyday, that means I need to walk in the truth that I can’t do it!! That I need Him to till through my soul to get rid of the rocks and that process is never promised to be easy or fun, but that He promises the strength to help me through.
Looking back, my ‘suffering’ with food was about learning to let God be enough. Enough to satisfy the longing of my soul, enough companionship even when I felt lonely for friends, that I get my value through him and not worldly accomplishments or work.
When I search for the feeling of enough or fullness or completeness on my terms, I feel empty and attempt to cope and that coping lead me to food. I don’t have to hate myself for that either; I don’t need to feel shame or less than. But I do need to recognize that as a sign of brokenness and a sign that I need to run to the cross of Jesus and surrender and repent.
The hurt and crazy broken feelings are not fun and I really would rather not go through them again. But, I also want to be at a point of surrender that I would welcome uncomfortable for the sake of the Kingdom. That I walk through suffering with my eyes on Jesus as the author and perfecter of my faith. That when trials come again, I would remember the steadfast love and faithfulness of God and process outwardly in real time.
Barely removed from what felt like some of the worst weeks of my life, I praise God that I can already see His hand in my life. I praise Him for Jesus who forgave and continues to forgive me. I am thankful that sin doesn’t have any power over me because of what Jesus did. I rejoice in my suffering for the character, endurance, and hope it gives me in what really matters.