#elises100daysoffeelings day 16

Today I am asking myself, Is it well with my soul? Do I feel good there, do I know how to access whatever is inside of me?  And do I see and mark it as very good?

Inspired by the old hymn and waking up much too early for a Saturday morning, my thinking side got to thinking and realized more how my eating is a reflection of my soul.

When I am lonely and my soul feels confused, lost, unseen, food’s purpose is to fill that hole, provide the comfort I am looking for, fill me up, make it right.  Which is quite ridiculous because it’s food we’re talking about, but in the moment it’s what feels right.  It’s also the routine of doing it, the feeling of over satiety that became routine, it became medicine to my soul.  But it is the wrong antidote.  And I’m learning that slowly.  That when I resist the true feeling and grasp at straws and familiar coping mechanisms to run away from what feels unbearable, the feelings continue to exist but are no compounded with the shame, guilt, and hatred towards myself.

This frenzied eating is a display of a frenzied soul.  One that wants to move quick towards a solution, avoid all possible pain, and slap on a bandaid to return to a flatline of comfort.

The afternoon and late night bored eating was so hard for me to put my finger on its root.  Not that I need to fully understand it, but I knew that having a grasp on it would give me the ability to know when the impulse was happening.  It stems from a restless soul and a disconnect between mind and body.  Reflecting back, I get these impulses often when I am bored but that boredom stems from feeling a lack of purpose.

But that lack of purpose is totally self-defined.  Productivity is a self-constructed variable and I think my definition is not realistic to my stage of life, knowledge on subjects, and place on the totem pole.  There is a delicate balance of work that I haven’t quite mastered, but rather than being kind and acknowledging the need for a learning curve I need in structuring my day, I rush in full force and when something feels rocky, I have information overload, I need a break, or I have nothing to do, I go to food.

My organizing loving self says schedule and a structure is what I need.  And to an extent, that’s right, but I also I need to reconnect to my true self.  I am good at being connected in the morning, but come 3:00, it’s been so long that rather than taking a mental inventory of where I am at, it’s easier to pump myself with sugar.

Writing this gives me hope.  It gives me insight into who I am as a person.  It provides a path, that while hidden, curved, and long, I know goes to a place I am excited for.

I have compassion on myself.  For yesterday, for all the ‘mess ups’ of the summer, for the future when I know I’ll mess up again.  Because right now I am acknowledging that this is a process, that I am committed to it, and that I will come out stronger because of it.

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