This morning I woke up again way before I meant too. Once I realized sleep was done for the night, I initially felt frustration. I hated that I thought of how was I supposed to wait for breakfast after church if I have been up since 6:00? Because if I am listening to what my by body wants, then I’ll eat when I’m hungry and I won’t when I’m won’t.
Being home feels like peace. The 12 hours I have been here have settled my soul. The longing inside me has been fulfilled. I feel the peace in my arms and legs, laying heavy i my bed. It’s like I can finally sink deep and let out a blissful sigh. which is kind of a little bit true because my mattress this summer was absolutely not comfortable. I feel the peace in a clear mind. I still find myself thinking of things I need to do or get in the few short days I am here, but my mind is rushing around. There is stillness. If I were a scene, it’d be a morning at the lake with calm waters, the sun peaking up, the start of something new and beautiful.
It also brings fear. I catch myself thinking of ways I need to protect myself from my bad behaviors or getting nervous about repeating the binging earlier this summer. I want to fill my schedule with the sole purpose of not having enough free time to mindlessly eat. The fear is very mental, but also rooted in a pit in my stomach. It is both a big mass and a flighty object. The flightyness is the anxious part, the worry that needs to be taken out in some sort of physical action. It is the feeling that I must do something now, and I hate that sometimes in seeking to get that energy out, the nervousness about eating bad leads me to eating bad. When contained in my body for too long, it becomes an impulse, when I don’t listen to what it is telling me or know how to act, I act in the familiar, unhealthy way. The flightiness means I need reconnection. To ground myself physically with all ten toes, to hear and feel my breath through my mouth into my lungs. To notice the sounds around me, to feel my stomach, to listen and slow down.
Verses that can help me with this: Matthew 6:33-34 “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself each day has enough trouble on its own”
The rock part is the value part. The dark memories that pull me down, remind me what my worth is because of my eating habits. It comes second and sometimes I miss that it is there which allows those voices to grow and the roots of their words to become intwined in my soul. The dark mass is what becomes my unhealthy voice when I have not taken time to connect mind, body, and soul. It is the part I have to convince is not in control, I have to douse it with Truth. I have to remember that it is there. When I resist and ignore, it only persists. But resisting and ignoring sometimes feels easier because it’s not a fight. It’s my favorite coping mechanism of ignoring because certainly out of mind and out of sight means there certainly can’t be a problem. When I take just a moment to check in my physical sensation cues, when I feel the dark rock, I know what it means. I can take action, repeat truth over and over and over, get in my head so that I’ll hear it and start to believe it. That I would know and live as if it was for freedom that I have been set free for. That I was and am worth dying for. That I am not defined by my yesterday’s by God, so why would I continue to do that for myself. The dark rock is ugly, but by fighting and engaging it instead of accepting it, beautiful things will come.
A verse that can help me when I feel this: 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Interesting side thought, there are many time I write something only to look back and realize I am conditioning what I write. Like, “Because…., I ….” I am not sure if this is part of my story telling or feeling like I need to have a reason behind what I do