#elises100daysoffeelings Day 27

I am an internal mess right now.  I feel ungrounded, unconvinced of how I should act, unsure of if I can do this.  Following the rhythms that I know work for me feels too hard.  I am getting in the way of my own recovery.  When I dig deeper, there is nothing substantial behind my resistance.  Just a voice that is louder and more obnoxious than the quiet one that tells me I can do it.

The result is this utter lack of motivation.  I feel stuck.  There is nothing pushing me on, nothing making me go forward.  The things I do get done feel meaningless.  There is so much that remains.  And these are all external things.

It is really hard to dig in and lean into what is happening.  I think because that feels unsafe, unknown, and that something will come out of it that I will require real action.  It is easier to walk with a blank stare and accept everything that comes to me rather than being proactive and approaching the things that need to be done – by going for it with the idea that I will accomplish it and can and it will be great.  The past couple of days I sunk back to the no feelings state of mind.  And it is a hard pit to come out of.  It requires so much thought and effort and I just don’t want to put that in.  I want the results but not the work that goes there.  Yes, I also know that the work is what makes it worth it, but when the habit has gotten so engrained.  When the struggle is what I’m used to.  I have been choosing to run from peace.  Not because I don’t want peace, but because peace is scary, unknown and is going to take serious life adjustments.  Peace means saying no to immediate gratification.  Peace means listening and only acting after I have listened.  Peace means stopping the cycle.

And I want that.


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