I am an internal mess right now. I feel ungrounded, unconvinced of how I should act, unsure of if I can do this. Following the rhythms that I know work for me feels too hard. I am getting in the way of my own recovery. When I dig deeper, there is nothing substantial behind my resistance. Just a voice that is louder and more obnoxious than the quiet one that tells me I can do it.
The result is this utter lack of motivation. I feel stuck. There is nothing pushing me on, nothing making me go forward. The things I do get done feel meaningless. There is so much that remains. And these are all external things.
It is really hard to dig in and lean into what is happening. I think because that feels unsafe, unknown, and that something will come out of it that I will require real action. It is easier to walk with a blank stare and accept everything that comes to me rather than being proactive and approaching the things that need to be done – by going for it with the idea that I will accomplish it and can and it will be great. The past couple of days I sunk back to the no feelings state of mind. And it is a hard pit to come out of. It requires so much thought and effort and I just don’t want to put that in. I want the results but not the work that goes there. Yes, I also know that the work is what makes it worth it, but when the habit has gotten so engrained. When the struggle is what I’m used to. I have been choosing to run from peace. Not because I don’t want peace, but because peace is scary, unknown and is going to take serious life adjustments. Peace means saying no to immediate gratification. Peace means listening and only acting after I have listened. Peace means stopping the cycle.
And I want that.