The numbness is a search for comfort. After reading a blog post on Revelation Wellness about the chemical sensations serotonin provides after eating a sweet, I get it once again. Another tiny click that, honestly, is so frustrating. I hate that I have the repetitive tiny clicks of getting it and yet I run and flee to the things that fail me. But, I am going to let the dirt be dirt, see that I am in the trenches of a battle, and record what I am learning in the midst of it.
It is what I want most. It is what I search for cling for, get anxious about loosing, I guess what I would say I am addicted to….
But my search for comfort fails me when I am searching to get what only heaven can provide. My God says that when I draw near to Him, then He will draw near to me. And that’s what I want at my core, a life that is lived near God. That is where I will find purpose. That is when my cravings will cease.
The Holy Spirit has already been given as my ultimate Comforter. He has been given to teach me all things, to bring to my mind all that God has taught me. What would leaning into Him look like when I am looking for that sense of comfort? What does unleashing the power of God into all times of day instead of morning devotionals look like?
What does leaning into uncomfortable physical sensations look like? What does praying when I want to eat the whole bag of cereal look like? What does the time and space needed to slow down and think before I act look like?
It doesn’t sound fun. It is another one of those things that I can so very easily think through and write about but doing it in real life is such. a. struggle. It’s an act that requires grace and compassion and discipline. It is about knowing and living into the long term goal I have for myself. And that is hard.
Here is what I can do: I can plan out what I will eat each day, I can go into the kitchen without getting food, I can stop, think before I eat, especially when I am offered something, and decide if I really want it. I can commit each day to the hard, steadfast work of reclaiming my body and my soul.