#elises100daysoffeelings day 37

Inspiration was low for the past week. But here I am, ready to write again.

My life looks different right now.  Slow in all the right ways even when it feels wrong.  There is so much healthy space right not, space for real conversations, for serving and loving, for evaluating my motives, for cementing my identity.  And today that space feels really, really good.  It feels safe and welcoming and I love it.  But I know there were many days were that space was harsh, it was too much because I didn’t know how to handle the nothingness.  It stripped away my purpose and the fake safety of busyness I had created for myself.  The space made me feel meaningless, like I needed to fill up the time with things to prevent me from bored eating.  It created this undertone of fear whose effects reached into my everyday actions.

For my time to be safe and effective, I had to work to make it meaningful.  I had to put and enforce healthy boundaries on my life, on my time.  I chose to make my bedroom my safe place.  I had to choose to invest in me.  I had to chose what was working and what needed to go, what rhythms were leading to freedom and which were stifling.  I had to choose to see this time as a blessing, as an investment into me, as something I wanted to say yes to every single day.

And oddly enough, one of the hardest parts of protecting this time was saying no to technology.  Realizing that keeping up with instagram was the worst and made me feel like I was wasting so much time.  I have loved getting lost in books, going on walks, napping outside, but its the mindless things that sap my energy and leave me wanting more.

I have three more weeks of this.  Of figuring out myself, who I am, what I want to be doing in the next year.  I am excited for this time, looking forward to what I’ll learn about myself, and learning how to truly be still and soak up what is right in front of me.

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