Today I felt discouraged. I took a full GRE practice exam and didn’t score nearly as well as I thought and hoped I would. I kind of wanted to go down the bunny trail of what if I don’t get into any grad schools, what if I am reaching too high, what if I need to get beyond the ’10 best programs’? I didn’t really let myself go there because I think eyes on the prize is the best way to go, but I wanted to.
But it felt good to be using my mind, to have a purpose that was more than a few hours and more than making things up to do. I am so ready for that structure. I accomplish so much more and not in a busy way of needing to get things done, but in a focused way of this what I need to and want to do and this is how I am going to accomplish it.
Right now it is hard to keep my eyes on the path I want. When I have time, I loose sight of the goal of just living a well-lived life where I am putting my energy towards things that actually matter. I get stuck in forgetting what I wanted to do, spending so much wasted time on social media and things that don’t matter and then look back with regret. I savor and love the times of peace I have been able to have, of focused meditation and nothingness. But I look back on that wasted time with the opposite feelings. I instead feel regret and anger towards myself for not utilizing what I have. I wish my past self, even my earlier today self, would have said no to screens and yes to books. Because I always love reading more and there is so much more I want to learn. But instead I spend probably hours on facebook. It hinders me from getting things done and just bums me out afterwards. And in my times of extra time, I find myself there more often.
I don’t know if it’s a matter of discipline or boredom…. but I am quite sure it is also connected to intuition. If I asked myself what I really wanted to be doing and acted from that, I am so certain I would do my days differently. I want to live a life where I am purposefully pursuing the things that I love. With no regrets. With no wasted days. That means resting when I want to rest, investing in the things I am most passionate about, putting people first, and being at peace. It means frequent pauses throughout the day. It means going with the flow.
I am getting closer to that person when I remember, but it is the remembering that is hard. I am not mad about myself for not remembering, but I am wondering how to get more ‘there’.
And fast ideally. Even though I know that is often not the way to lasting change…