I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the guest was talking about how she went through a hard time and learned that she could trust God. That he could handle her sorrow, frustration, anger, shame, everything. He doesn’t want a honey coated version of how I am doing – he wants and can handle the real deal.
That along with reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality has forced me (in the best way possible) to examine what I am bringing before God, what I believe to be true about His character and the way he wants to and does interact with me.
I felt that I had to prove my worth and value to Him. But the truth is that my standing with him will never change. As Titus 3:5 says, it was His doing, I didn’t do any of that. And if I didn’t have to do anything to be saved, if I was lovable when I didn’t have the light in me, how much more does he love me now?
I felt that since I was unreliable, that God was unreliable. But the truth is that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8). What would it look like to go to God when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable place, to know that He is always my safe place, my rock and my comfort, instead of relying on myself. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I am consistent or stable on my own, because I already know I am not.
Those two really simple lies and truths have been mulling around in my head a lot. And something that is really hard is how much effort replacing them is. I so so know it is worth it because even the past two days of repeating “You can trust God, you can trust your feelings, you can trust your body” has brought me to this place of connection with the Lord that I know is because I am drawing near to Him. I am allowing Him to be the person He is, not building up walls or saying I’m not worth it.
Trusting God with my healing looks like letting Him be God: acknowledging that struggling for power and control isn’t going to get me anywhere but that His way alone is the way to full body health. IT IS FREAKING HARD. It is hard for me to switch from thinking of good days as the days where I eat well to good days being where I am in connection with the Lord. Honestly, I am scarred of what if I turn this into another thing of good and bad and it ruins me? But that is fear and I say in Jesus’ name no way. Because that fear is from the enemy. Because there is no way if I am seeking authentic relationship with Him that this could turn into a bad thing. And if I am truly seeking the Lord with a pure heart, making Him what matters, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to expectant and prayerful about the Lord removing my desires my a sometimes unending sweet tooth that gets me into trouble, for healing my relationship for food, for leading into life abundant.
Feeling wise about this is simultaneous freedom and fear. Freedom loudest in my mind, saying “YES!!! You can do this, this is what you want, you’ll even succeed with this!!” It makes me a little angry that the success part is still in there, because what is success and should I be the one defining it??? The fear is quieter and its tied to the shame of past failings, of the yucky times that I don’t want to think or talk about.
It really hard for me to accept the idea of saying, “Yes, I know those happened, and maybe it was just last week, but that doesn’t define you.” I don’t love it, it feels like ignoring a reality and giving myself a free check to do whatever I want. My heart feels like I need a consequence. That’s a stem of the fear: if I don’t DO something to address an issue, is that saying it’s okay???
But HUMILITY. Because I was never expected to be perfect, I don’t have to ‘fix’ myself. In fact, I can’t fix myself. So, I am going to work on saying it’s okay to myself. To lower expectations. To cultivate a heart that is meek, that realizes I am not all put together and embrace that because Jesus is.
Today is one of those days that I feel like I am capable of typing a lot of truth that obviously if I am typing know on some level/is Spirit inspired but can be more difficult for me to for real live out. So, I am going to try to report back on how believing God, my body and my feelings can be trusted, accepting God’s grace upon grace upon grace changes my days, and how I can acknowledge my failures and be okay with them.