Today I got back to my structure and it was beautiful! I got to wake up and follow my morning routine and do purposeful work and it made me feel great. Food wasn’t even an issue. I ignored the cookies at work and it was easy. I worked out. But then the witching hour of 8:00 happened. And techniqually I didn’t eat sweets but I did over eat. AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. Was I bored? Is it habit?
I feel yucky…again. And I get bummed because I know it is going to take a long time to lose the weight that I know I need to just to be healthy. I am getting freaked out that I am real close to topping over a BMI that I never thought I would.
The increasing number on the scale isn’t registering though. The physical yuckness does but the connection between intake-feeling-weight is somehow not clicking. I think it is because my eating disorder side is just disconnected. I have gotten away from listening and being aware. I am scared of that side of myself so repressing it feels safest. I don’t want to talk about it and deal with it but I want to get better. I don’t want the chubby stomach and cheeks and muffin tops but that’s where I am.
I am not trusting my body. I am ignoring the internal signals telling me to stop and check in and walk away and be wise. I hate that I am paying for it.