#elises100daysoffeelings day 60

Today I got back to my structure and it was beautiful!  I got to wake up and follow my morning routine and do purposeful work and it made me feel great.  Food wasn’t even an issue.  I ignored the cookies at work and it was easy.  I worked out.  But then the witching hour of 8:00 happened.  And techniqually I didn’t eat sweets but I did over eat.  AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.  Was I bored?   Is it habit?

I feel yucky…again.  And I get bummed because I know it is going to take a long time to lose the weight that I know I need to just to be healthy.  I am getting freaked out that I am real close to topping over a BMI that I never thought I would.

The increasing number on the scale isn’t registering though.  The physical yuckness does but the connection between intake-feeling-weight is somehow not clicking.  I think it is because my eating disorder side is just disconnected.  I have gotten away from listening and being aware.  I am scared of that side of myself so repressing it feels safest.  I don’t want to talk about it and deal with it but I want to get better.  I don’t want the chubby stomach and cheeks and muffin tops but that’s where I am.

I am not trusting my body.  I am ignoring the internal signals telling me to stop and check in and walk away and be wise.  I hate that I am paying for it.


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