#elises100daysoffeelings Day 67

Self-care is still so stinkin hard for me.  It’s hard in the big ways, like taking time to do a face mask or do something simple like paint my nails.  It’s hard in the way I think about myself – being thankful and gentle and loving towards myself.  The past couple days I have tried to be mindful of how well my body and mind DO work.  To notice what they are doing, the things they allow me to accomplish, and how much I do each day.  At first, it was seriously hard to think of things, not because they weren’t there, but because I was so not used to being grateful for myself.

I think it’s that lack of gratitude for frankly anything that lead me to the numb spot.  It wasn’t just the food that was breaking me, but the outlook on life I had adopted.  The way I just let every day happen.  I was scheduling them and filling them with stuff but not reaching into myself to feel alive.  I disconnected by mind and body and was literally shutting off sensory inputs.  When I can’t feel the world around me, I miss the wind going through my fingers on a walk, the feeling of my hamstrings working on a run, the taste of food, my silky sheets, the embrace of a hug.  When I don’t feel sensory, tactile things, I don’t feel emotion.  It’s all connected.  When I’m not feeling emotion, I miss out on cues.  I miss that I’m bored, anxious, worried, fearful, sad, angry.  I try to manufacture happiness and joy instead of realizing that I truly do have so many reasons to legitimately feel those feelings.

Today I am grateful for the way the sun streams through the leaves, giving off a golden hue.  I am thankful that I have money and don’t need to be stressed about it.  I am thankful that there is a community of people that make time for me.  That I have freedom in the work I am doing.  That I have a car to take me places.  That I have support.  That there is future mercy and grace I can lean into today.  That it is fall and I get to be outside so often.  I am thankful that I am here in Bloomington, that I have so many learning opportunities to grow in public health, that my brain loves to learn, that I did well on the GRE, that I got to hangout with myself this weekend, that I am in the middle of four books.  I am thankful I am alive and well and that Jesus died for me.

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