This morning I felt a profound shift inside of me. It was a settling, a peace, that truly came from within. I felt okay. I had had two good days with food, but this was so much more than that. It was both the empowerment of confirming that my healthy side can be trusted, it is there, and I can continue to let it be the loudest voice in my head. The reality that I am a broken person, that God does love me, that I am not promised a life free from suffering and that this just may be a kind of suffering I am called to endure, but that there are truths I believe and can hold dear that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:3-5). I get to choose if the suffering beats me down or if I am in the fight for the long haul.
That this eating thing is also a spectrum of disordered to healthy and that I may be on that spectrum my whole life and I don’t need to try to get off of it. I can talk about it freely, unattached from my true value or worth. That I don’t need to fear what other people may think. I am not defined by good days or bad days, but instead by who God is.
Something that brought me to this place of peace is in Exodus 3, when Moses who God said he was and God simply replied, I will be with you always. It said in the words and way I needed to hear it that I can dig in scripture and there are so many truths about who I am, but the ultimate reality is I am in Him and nothing can change that. When I feel defeated by voices in my head, I am in Him. When I feel lonely and isolated and unwanted, I am in Him.
These words were grounding for me. They’re the opposite of white-knuckled control. They’re freeing and relinquishing control and self-expectation while simultaneously telling myself who God is. And as my girl Beth Moore says, “What you most rehearse you’ll most believe.” And this is what I want to believe and live out. That I am in Him. I am in Him. I am in Him.