#elises100daysoffeelings day 83

83 days.  83 days of recognizing something in my life needed to change.  and honestly saying that is kind of depressing because when i take an honest look, not much has changed.  i am still binging.  i am eating too fast, standing up, when no one is watching and feeling really, really awful afterwards.  i guess the progress is i am learning to recognize it more.  but it is frustrating to not feel like i am making progress.  but i think the progress is because i am holding myself back. as in i am not making the lifestyle shifts that will lead me to healing and a better relationship long term.

my internal battle right now is taking sweets off the table healing or restrictive? i truly truly think it is healing because it’s in the morning, when i’m at my best, that i want to throw them all away.  so day by day i want to make the choice of what i am going to eat that day.  and we’ll see where it takes me.

another really, really hard thing is that work is just not clicking.  it feels like i come in to physically be just a body in the room.  i am not getting satisfaction from working, i don’t know if i am doing anything that helps the school, that helps me.  and that is hard for my mind.  to feel like i am just this joke of a job. I need mentorship, guidance, a helping hand to tell me how things go, the people i need to talk to, the initiatives people already have started and where there is passion.

I feel lost and i don’t like it.  this has just shown me how much identity i put into what i do in probably an unhealthy way.  but then thinking about separating my worth from work and working on food issues is too much.  like can i physically and mentally handle it?? i don’t know.

it is hard because this is going to require little baby steps each day.  and the each day part sounds hard and not fun. but i can do it.  it may be hard and impossible in the long run, but i can take steps each day towards progress.  i can ask myself questions and be grounded and just sit with and near myself as i grow.

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