Time flies when you’re having fun and also when you’re not focused. It goes whether you want it to or not. Even if you’re not paying attention, it keeps on ticking.
Right now, I am frustrated by that. Frustrated that accomplishing the things I want to accomplish takes so much time and attention. That I still feel like I am failing. That I had three freaking great days and now I am back to square one. Having what feels like 4 awful days.
If I replay yesterday, I get so angry at the 6 chocolate truffles I hate in a row, the way I kept reaching and getting more. I get sad for how I feel about myself and the physical pain I put myself through. I get confused about the way I chose to use my time. Why I decided to not workout when I know that would be a game changer in what I would have done not out of restriction but just in changing my priorities and where my time went.
I was empty and sought to fill myself up with the things that didn’t last, the bread from earth not from heaven. I played my own God and fell into the trap of feeding my own impulses.
And honestly, the temptation to keep doing it is right there. There is a pull in my heart to go to the kitchen and eat. I want to know what that is saying about me.
I guess this shows me just how dark and twisted the sinful mind is, that we want to run back to what we have done despite the fact that it hurts so bad, that is falsely tells us we can be in charge, that is promises lies.
Preaching truth to myself is hard today. It just feels already like it is going to be a really bad day and I hate that. I hate that I am getting stressed about grad school, that all I want to do is eat, that I can’t run as far as I used to, and that my pants feel tight. I hate that I can’t follow my plan that I ‘know’ would help me. I hate that I try to create healthy boundaries and put in self-care and have days that are really, really great and yet I still end up here hurting, needing help, and semi-hating myself. I want to rescue myself but clearly that is not a good idea.
So I’ll dwell here. I guess I will create space for the negative feelings? I can do the physical things that lead to health, freedom, and rest: eat nourishing food, move my body, rest my soul. I can do that. I know how that feels so I can say yes wholeheartedly to those things. I can literally throw out the things that are dragging me down. So many mornings I have had that thought, but I never do it.
It also means preaching the gospel to myself. Remember, it is finished, it has been payed for, you are already in the fold of God. Pray. That invites God’s energy in to fight for you. You are not in this alone.
It is the real life truths that I just keep forgetting. It is easier to indulge the flesh when I have quieted the spirit. And I don’t need to get mad about that, it can just be a fact. But, I can also change what that fact is today. I can decide who I listen to, who gets a say in how I think about myself, who gets to choose what I spend my time doing.
I can see the patterns of association in good and bad days. I can see so clearly that when I become the focus, a dangerous downhill spiral is imminent. It’s not about getting angry about why I let that happen again, it’s about examining and pausing to reflect on what got me there and determine if I’m going to replay those patterns even if I know the outcome or if I am going to stand firm on the things that I know bring truth and freedom and wholeness into my life.