My work feels kind of ambiguous. I have a job, I think I have goals, I think I know what I am doing. But honestly, I lack framework. I don’t know what outcomes I am looking for, what programs I should be working to create, where I should be focusing my times, what the real needs of my school are. I feel like the new girls who has little to no weight in making decisions. I question what I am doing, if I’m doing it right, if I am needed. I am learning how this is a fundamental part of myself (thanks enneagram), but it still makes it hard.
Long rant there, but a beautiful thing about my work is I can work from home a lot. And when I work from home, I make a mug of tea, usually lemon ginger, before I sit down and try to shuffle through different intervention programs and emails and ideas.
A frustrating reality is how my mornings go from there. I open up email, read the skimm and catch up on news for honestly about an hour. That time is sacred and I love it. But. It’s my rabbit hole, I get stuck going from one thing to another, seeing all that is not right in my world. I get side tracked by looking more into this bill, or this congressman, or this new appointed cabinet member. I click on my Google alert for the Farm Bill and try to figure out what today’s news means for SNAP, I click through my advocacy blogs and lately get frustrated and worked up about how everything feels screwed up. And all the while my tea gets cold.
Then, I have cold tea, a messy mind, and a heart that is vocationally confused and also sad about all that is not right.
I love the internet, I love the solutions and ideas and connection it provides. But it is confusing me, I don’t think it is serving me well. It takes away the moments of comfort and peace drinking hot tea in silence and stillness provides.
I don’t know what to do with the voices going around in my head and the brokeness I feel and the ways I want to engage in conversation and create change and work well and feel that it is well with my soul. I’m not going to stop reading the news or working for the things that matter most to me. But I can stop. Create the margin and space for me to be with comfort and my Comforter. I can know that peace is coming and that I can be a piece of it.